Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double