Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
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[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas