Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
#MeanwhileInCanada
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
nature’s most graceful animal
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.