Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
(Electricians.)
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Winnipeg!!
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.