Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
This did not end as expected.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)