Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
haha same
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.