Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:

Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat

12 year old me: That is such a great deal

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.