Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Hello Twits.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.