Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
You Might Also Like
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
😂😂😂
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.