Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

it is time once again

Does beer think about me too?

“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”

*makes her laugh*

“Not you.”

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”