Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
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When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move