Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a McRib killed my tapeworm

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.