Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

socratic questions

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

Pot warmers of the day.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.