Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
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Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep