Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?