Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
God has abandoned us.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
what the hell girl, sure
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
