Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

[ on trial ]

me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?

judge: we can all hear you

me: then I’d like an answer to the question

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.