Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
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[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My dad’s son is like a brother to me.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?