Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.