Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *