Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
You Might Also Like
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Monday
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no