Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
For anyone who needs this today
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?