Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

the zen of frog

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.