Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

[At astronomy convention]

For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.

Britain be like

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

Sing it!

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*