Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk