Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

ㅤ

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

God tier horse name today on the sims

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it