Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
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There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.