Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.