Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.