Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

sugar glider wrangler

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

*First day as a police officer*

Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that