Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My dating profile:
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*