Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I ain’t wearing no wire
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key