Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
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power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
good news everyone
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
first responders? you mean reply guys?
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*