Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
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3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
what are they serving at kfc then???
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.