Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
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I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
