Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb