Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
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“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.