Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Cucumbers Anonymous

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.