Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.