Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*weighs self after shaving
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.