Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
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Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
“OMGJK” -atheists
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it