Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
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doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
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The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.