Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
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“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
british sex workers really pound for pound
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
