Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
You Might Also Like
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
I’m ready for Halloween this year
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying