Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that