Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

the three branches of government

*serious situation*

My brain:

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing