Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

😂😂

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry