TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
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I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
this is funnier than any friends episode
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
All excellent questions
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow