Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go