Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

In banana years, I am bread.

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now