TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
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Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Friday night party time 🥳