Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

I was once killed by a shark escalator.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?