Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Ferrari squats
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
