Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
welcome back
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.