Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

How did we not see this back then?

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*