Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
this site is so cooked lol
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!