Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Ok but actually
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi