Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
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Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.