Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

we’re dead?

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no