Twitter is the new flypaper.
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I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Why soy sad?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Cndnsd Mlk
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”