Twitter is the new flypaper.
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Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3