Twitter is the new flypaper.
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My what?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college