Twitter is the new flypaper.
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.