Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Breaking news:
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five