Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Nice try, poison.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*