Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.