Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
yeah no that’s fair
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.