Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

The best plant holders?

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.