Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
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BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.