Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
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getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
peeping toms
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.