Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
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Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.