Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
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What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
life finds a way
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks