Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

I am patiently waiting for your email

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”

“Yes”

“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?