Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.