Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.